#1. In the military, or
#2. married to someone in the military,
is that it brings its own unique set of issues, conflicts, and at times, weird interactions that you try to learn to take with a grain of salt. One such issue is that unless you yourself are also a service member (and if you aren't in uniform, folks don't always know off the bat, anyway), one of the tendencies in that world is for everyone to identify you by your spouse. Essentially, it can be like having zero identity aside of your husband (or wife, in all fairness...but those are few and far between). And the kooky thing about it, is that once you start playing along - and often, you don't have a choice - you can find yourself doing it to other people! For example:
Scenario - I have met another adult female at a children's football game
Me: Hi, I'm Carmen! (I give her the "once-over" to try and determine if she looks like an enlisted or officer wife - trust me, sometimes there's a difference - and hopes she doesn't notice)
New Person: Hi, I'm (insert name here). Is one of your children playing? (after sizing me up too, she determines that I am not a threat and she scans the field as if in search of my kid)
Me: Yes, my son is playing. He is number 32. What about yours? (I purposely try to delay the inevitable question I know she wants to ask)
New Person: Oh, he is number 12. (She pauses - auugh, here it comes!) So...*what does your husband do?
*Note: This question can have several variations. I have heard everything from "what squadron does your husband belong to?" to "what rank are you guys?" to "Who do you belong to?"
Me: (Inwardly groaning) He's a loadmaster in the C-17 squadron. His name is TSgt M* (Geez, now I have to ask her what HER husband does now...it's part of the ritual) What about yours?
New Person: (proudly) Oh, he's in the same squadron! Actually, his name is MSgt So-and-so! Wait a minute, doesn't my husband supervise your husband? How funny!
Me: (Oh, great - ha, ha, ha, so funny) Yes, yes, I guess that's ironic isn't it? Well, gotta go, have a nice day! (I book it out of there like I have fire on my heels - I can tell this conversation is going to either irritate the heck out of me or end up with me saying something I will get in trouble for)
Okay, so that's just a little taste of some of the interactions that I have experienced. Trust me, that one seems minor, but there have been plenty more, some uglier than others, and some less so. But (and here comes my venting) what bothers me most about it all, is that there is this air of one-upmanship that exists in most female military spouse communities...it is part of the reason I tend to avoid those types of social settings because I simply have a problem playing along. What can I say? I DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT. I don't choose my friends, or who I will speak to, based on who their husband is or what rank they are. But unfortunately, a good number of people do operate like that, and it makes me want to scream!
Oh, what the heck, I might as well: AUUUGGGGHHHHHH! There....I feel better.
I have thought about it many times, and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your spouse - and I am very, very proud of mine - there is something very "Stepford-ish" about some of the women I have met. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it is like there is no sense of self. Everything is about their husband's promotions, accomplishments at work, deployments, etc...some even wear their spouse's rank and authority like it is theirs! There are no introspective conversations about life, love, our dreams...or even mundane conversations, like what you bought at the store that day or fed your kids for dinner. BORING and MIND NUMBING. In all honesty, I just don't have it in me to humor folks like that most days...I enjoy having an identity all my own.
It may have taken a while, but situations like that are my timely reminder that I am so fortunate to have acquired a group of wonderful friends - great people I can rely on for just about anything - who have their feet planted firmly on the ground, as opposed to having their noses in the air!
And just so you don't think that I am not exceedingly proud of the work that Isaiah does, I will include some pics from an article in the Air Force news where he was featured on an airdrop mission. You go, boy!
3 comments:
hey thanks for commenting on my blog!
i haven't had much experience yet dealing with other spouses in my husband's squadron, i guess because we don't have kids or live on base. but i have felt that... almost segregation... between the different ranks.
we're all military. we're all people. we're all trying to figure out how to do this military thing gracefully. i don't have the same hangups that matt has about hanging out with women whose husbands are higher or lower ranking.
can it affect his job? should i be wary? i just think it sounds stupid is all, to be friends or not be friends with someone based on their or their spouses rank.
i have a hard enough time finding someone my age here-- if her husband is an E-1, who cares? i need a friend!
Yes, it is wonderful to support your husband. And it is equally important to have your own identity and be proud of that as well. So, I agree with you. Don't listen to those Step-ford women. I am proud of you and your own accomplishments as well. And your hubbie looks cool in the pics, real attentive to his work...
Oh please come back to New Jersey and be my new best friend! ;)
I totally understand what you're talking about and it drives me crazy too! Can't stand it! Just the other day I had to endure a "my husband's deployments have been worse than your husband's deployments" conversation at the bus stop. Blahhhhh.....
The rank issue is the worst though. It makes no sense to me at all. I mean, would it make a difference in the civilian world if a woman I had just met was married to a union worker verses a manager at the same company? NO! So why does it matter so much in the military? I try not to even have those conversations at all. In fact one of my neighbors that I've known for a year just found out my husband outranks hers. And our kids played together practically every day all last summer. I just never mentioned it. Why should I?
My 2 best girlfriends on this base are married to an A1C and a Tech Sgt. My husband is a SSgt. Who cares? We all have kids the same age and have fun when we get together.
I wonder sometimes if it isn't a self esteem problem with the women in question? Like you said, basing your entire identity and self worth on what your husband does for a living is a little....sad.
Post a Comment